Uncorked

The weekend was lovely and low-key. I taught yoga, worked out, hung out with friends, and thoroughly cleaned my house. Since none of that is very entertaining, however, I'm going to regale you with a story from online dating land.
I received the following message on an online dating site several months ago:

Your hometown refers to diluting something with water, something my French father-in-law did to his own wine.
Does our age disparity absolutely preclude dialogue? Because I find you interesting, and you should know by now that men take a long time to mature, like good Bordeaux. Think I'm ready to be uncorked.

First things first: The name of my hometown means "a mountain with its feet sitting in the water" because of the bluffs situated by the Mississippi River. It has nothing to do with dilution. Perhaps he's confusing dilution with delusion. He's obviously familiar with French. And what purpose does the reference to his former French father-in-law serve? Am I supposed to be impressed by that?

Let's skip the age disparity thing for a moment. We'll get back to it.

Next, we have the trite comparison of men to wine. Really? Wow. Clearly, he has been imprisoned in a wine cellar since 1947 because that one is ancient. As for the "uncorked" thing, it invokes a mixture of nausea and amusement at his sheer cheesiness. For anthropological purposes--and to give him the benefit of the doubt--I consulted an older colleague to see if this man's message appealed to a different generation. Nope. She confirmed that he is odd to people of all ages.

His profile said he was 63, but a friend pointed out that he was probably older. The profile also informed me that he "eventually wanted babies." This is disturbing on a few fronts. First, he used the word babies. Not children. Not kids. Babies. Second, I'm troubled by the word eventually. When, exactly? Even if he's not lying and if someone wants to immediately procreate with this guy, he'll be 78 when the aforementioned baby is 15. Cripes. Junior could break this man's hip by playing catch with him. Sheesh. And besides, he already has kids. Has no one else heard of overpopulation?

So: No, the age disparity does not preclude dialogue, but your smarminess most certainly does.